I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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