the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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