Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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