What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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