im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
