My nipple is on Facebook.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
