dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
