I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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