I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Do you have feelings for this penis?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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