Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
