when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
its liver damage thursday
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
