just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Randomize
