i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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