Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
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