That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
