The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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