Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
did i walk over a car last night?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
