your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You may now shotgun with the bride
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
