I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You can't motorboat a personality
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
