You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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