apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Bring me that man meat
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
