I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
