hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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