I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
