WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
