Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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