I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
