True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
