Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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