Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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