please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
