when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
