I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
