dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
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I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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