I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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