anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
