So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
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I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
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The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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