the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
