Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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