dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You were trust falling into bushes
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
