Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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