my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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