you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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