Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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