rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.