The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner