Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Randomize
