I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."