so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
