Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
