Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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