paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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