I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
