remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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