Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
