I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
