so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
