i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
