Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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