I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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