The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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