i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
