Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Me. At least after what I've been through.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
