Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Panties = found
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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